Masuk Free Press

Teachers of Masuk High School are reporting plummeting levels of classroom participation in relation to the sudden uptick of “mewing”. Mewing is a technique in which the person practicing it presses their tongue against the palate, in hopes of achieving a permanently stronger jawline. 

With the use of this technique, comes the consequence of not being able to speak. This has resulted in roughly 72 percent of male students, and 15 percent of female students seemingly not able to speak while mewing. On top of that, longer sessions of mewing are encouraged, with students sharing their longest mewing streaks, which can be as long as several hours, and possibly even days with good discipline and muscle memory. 

Mewing is a technique in a vein of more techniques that go under the umbrella name of  “looksmaxxing”. Looksmaxxing techniques can be as simple as a skincare routine for clearer, glowing skin, to as extreme as using hammers to break the jaw, hoping that it would grow out at a wider, sharper angle. 

“My students are completely silent,” says astronomy teacher Gavin Dowling. “Whenever I ask them for anything, they always give me the ‘Shush’ gesture and then point to their jawline. It is very frustrating because I don’t know if they took in any of the material or not. I’m all for self-improvement, but this is impacting how well my students are receiving my curriculum.” 

Currently, mewing has no scientific basis, but current looksmaxxers disagree. 

“If you’re not mewing, you’re a mouth breather,” said Justin Canone, who broke his 18-hour streak for this interview. “My journey started when I watched the promotional video for the ‘One Million’ cologne that featured Jordan Barret. He’s my idol.” 

Lookmaxxers often idolize fashion models, especially Jordan Barret and Chico Lachowski, who are Australian and Brazilian respectively. A recent poll has revealed that ever since mewing and looksmaxxing have risen in popularity, classroom participation has dropped year over year. 

Before mewing, classroom participation held steady at an average of 75 percent. Since mewing became popular, participation has plummeted to 20 percent, on pace to go lower according to professional data and trend analysis. 

“This is a very concerning trend not exclusive to Masuk High School,” said data analyst Logan Rodas. “We only have preliminary data on how this has been affecting test grades, but it is concerning.” 

College Board, the non-profit organization that shafts students of their money every year, came forward with a 10 percent drop in SAT scores, the largest since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

“We are concerned about the performance of students in the SAT, and we think that it may be correlated to mewing,” said Aidan Rodas, CEO of College Board. “Our data suggests that students not being able to be quizzed adequately during class has resulted in them not being able to memorize subjects necessary to take the SAT as efficiently.” 

This has brought up the idea of “mewing friendly curriculum”, which is heavily inspired by a curriculum developed for students who have selective mutism. This anxiety disorder prevents someone from speaking in certain social conditions. 

“The demand for teachers certified in teaching students with selective mutism has skyrocketed,” said Thomas Rodriguez, CEO of Indeed, a job listing company. Interest has risen by 325 percent year over year, a record for the company. 

Overall, mewing might reckon a new age of education, but concerns exist over how education will continue currently, and how to provide students with teachers certified to teach them.

*This is a work of fiction…quotes included.